Yeah, it's a saying here. Usually said while nursing an ice cold glass of sweet tea or a sweating Shiner Bock. We have lots of Texas sayings like that, each passed down from Father to Son, or in my case Daughters, to explain what it's like in the Lone Star State at the moment.
'Don't like the weather? Wait 10 minutes and check it again.' OK, I think every state has that saying, but trust me it makes more sense here. I have actually looked out my front door to see rain pouring down on the lawn and then walked to the back door to see the sun shining brightly.
'Want to see the weather coming from the West, just stand on a dime and look, dummy!' That's a colorful way of saying that Texas is so flat that you can stand on a dime and see forever.
'Might as well. Can't dance, never could sing and it's too muddy to plow.' Usually said when someone asks you if you want to go get a beer and nachos at your favorite bar. Always works, by the way.
'So crooked he has to unscrew his pants at night.' Usually heard during any discussion about, you guessed it, any politician. [Soap Box On] As a quick aside here, I don't think all politicians are bad. They represent the same spectrum of behaviors that all people do. From people you want to have lunch with, to people your aren't sure about, to people you are sure are missing a few cattle from their herd, to verifiable villains. If they are in the last categories we have the ability to kick them to the curb by voting.[Soap Box Off]
'If I say a hen dips snuff, you can look under her wing for the can.' OK, this one I only heard recently but I love it! What a colorful way to say someone is honest. I hear my maternal Grandfather's voice when I read this one. He lived to 90 something. He was a mule-riding traveling Baptist preacher. He built his own homes out of sod, made canes from Mesquite branches, smoked a pipe like a chimney and had a 'nip' of whiskey every night before bed. If that ain't a fact, then God's a possum.
Coming up with clever ways to talk about everyday things is a Texas past time. It's a way to insert humor, pathos and homespun philosophy into everyday conversations. It's fun.
Just imagine a rumpled posse of old timers rockin' on the drugstore porch at sundown. Checker boards have been idled as the sun starts to set. Each is whittling toothpicks from tree branches and taking a 'nip' of Wild Turkey,
'It was hotter'n Satan's armpits today.'
'Sure was. Damn, it's so dry at my place that the catfish are carryin' canteens!' (Imagine an artful patootie off the edge of the porch into the dust.)
'Nice one, Earl.'
'It was so hot on my sidewalk that the rain refused to come down out of the clouds.'
'Well,' Otis takes a quick swig of iced sweet tea, 'my 'tater fields are drier than a popcorn fart. If it don't rain soon I might as well try growin' matches.'
Hank looks at the pile of shavings in front of him and at the tiny twig he's carved. He nods, 'Close enough for government work.' He puts it squarely in a tooth and says, 'Well, it's been more fun than a mashed-potato sandwich, boys, but I'm burning sunshine here. Time to go see if the Missus is going to kick me out of bed for eating crackers.'
And you can take that to the bank.
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